I haven’t posted in a long time because of the state of me. Recently, I have become happier in the things that matter the most in my life, i.e. my personal relationships, my understanding of myself, my philosophy on life and death, my place in our universe, my teeth (I finally went to the dentist, no cavities). I reached the happiest point in my life to date and I saw my future only getting better (queue Timbuk 3). I was a man on the top of the mountain reflecting on his journey with inner calm and personal fulfillment. What’s more, I felt that I didn’t really have to climb anymore and I wasn’t going to fall. A big part of my overall ascent was complete, and I couldn’t have gone back if I had wanted to.
Now, I see my significance in the world and understand what’s inside me. I have made the connections from a boy with tendencies for this and that to a man who comprehends why and how certain instincts, which seem to drain you along the way to peace, put your life into your own hands in a way that makes sense to you in a profound and meaningful way. And I’m not even out of breath from the climb. This sounds really good, but I didn’t anticipate where it would leave me.
But where does that leave me? Of course there will always be rock above, but when I was climbing, there were so many people along the way. Sometimes I could climb with them, other times I would only know that they were near. Sometimes they were above me, sometime below. Sometimes both. I may have braced others who didn’t have the strength to hold on, or vice versa. I probably even knocked some of them downward in the past. In fact, I know that I did, for meanness, for selfishness, or just to see them fall.
On the Rock
But with every step came the comforting thought that others have used before and would use in future the same rock that I was using at that moment. I may have been on my own path to the top, but I had never been alone. But I am alone now. And the world seems very far away from me, and something of which I want no part.
Now that I am above it, I can put away speculation and truly see the world for what it is. I am nothing like those who adhere themselves to groups of people to spread mindless interruption or share particular childish emptiness. A part of me is stolen by the Ann Coulters of political scenes (whose rigid minds leave nothing open to non-emotional discussion) and by the MTV broadcasters and gazers (who look to distraction as a way of life). Some of my peace is gone because of the pettiness and selfishness of the people who lack the courage to choose honesty and diligence over lies and ignorance. The growth and understanding for which I have spent 30 years searching, I have found. But with it came the unexpected unveiling of the easiness with which others live without conviction or purpose, which allows them to drown in diversion and excuse mistreatment and abuse.
I see many too many people around me who chose long ago what they would like to believe. In accordance, they have spent their whole lives working on a formula for removing truth from life so that what is left can be rationalized into their initial belief. It is like a magician trying to fool himself into thinking that he made the dove appear out of nothing. Kerry and Kyle will remember the discussion that we had in the car coming back from Myrtle Beach with Brad many years ago about the question “Can you choose what you believe?” Brad “remembered” scoring more points per game than he actually did because he “chose” to believe it. But he couldn’t really have made himself believe something that he initially knew was not true; he could only ignore the fact and represent the lie as truth. This prevalent practice only leads to dilute one’s personal meaning of truth down to irrelevancy. And without a reality, the only reason to hold on to the mountain is so you don’t fall, and meet your ultimate truth.
But without that world below me, how do I live? I am virtually alone and it feels worse than being one of the lost sheep that doesn’t even know where it’s going. Everything I see in that world is influenced by greed and corruption. Like trying to breath without air, I am searching for the goodness in the world so that my spirit will not suffocate under the blanket of selfishness, fear, ignorance, and denial. Now that my spark has lit, I want to be a light to those in the dark, but there is no darkness anymore, there is only light, and mine is too dim to catch an eye. Remember the end of the movie Pulp Fiction. In the diner, Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) reflects on his pre-murder monologue to Ringo (Tim Roth). He talks about a bible verse that parables the shepherd and his flock.
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."
At the end of this, Jules says to Ringo with chilling certainty,
“But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is…you're the weak, and I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo…I’m tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.”
Maybe Jules initially thought that he and Ringo were not that different. But he is now realizing that they are not the same right now, not while Jules has the 9mm in his hand.
The power of the situation divides them in a way where good and bad do not exist, but where there is only the juxtaposition of the weak and the strong, the defenseless and the protected, the vulnerable and the vicious.
In reality, there is no part of the world that is not touched by this paradigm, and its influence is increasing. For most, power is the law of man. Power eliminates the need to be good and it changes peoples’ opinions about what is right, even in the rock hard presence of the truth. For some, the truth means nothing without power to illuminate it.
Men who believe in power
I have long believed that you can judge the character of a person by how they treat animals. If someone cares for a living thing solely for the well being of that living thing, then that person can be seen as compassionate towards others. To me, this is an issue of power.
When a person has the power to affect others and only does so in a kind way, then that person is worthy of the power he has. When someone is in a position to abuse his power but takes action so not to abuse it, then I can respect the character of that person. But many people judge men instead by the power they have, and not by how they use it.
How different are George Bush and Saddam Hussein? They both put selfishness above other people and cover it up with lies. They are evil men who will do anything that they think they can get away with. It tears me up inside to know that there are such people with such power. I have only hatred for them. I cannot be a light for them. And therefore, I am like them. My peace is gone. Everything I believe is buried under the weight of frustration, then anger, then a violent resolve to the point past indifference to others and onto contempt and disgust until I am the worst of me and the good in me is only there to remind me of all that is bad.
This period of happiness about which I spoke earlier has made a part of my canvas pure with insight and understanding, but its presence only deepens the contrast of it all. There is more bad than good, more dark than light, more ignorance than thought, more selfishness than consideration, more hurting and killing than exploration of one’s soul, more blindness than truth, more distraction than diligence, and more of them than me.
END
